Force Majeure
by Connorstormwind
Summary: Harry is preparing the school for battle. A strange new ally comes and lends help, changing Harry's life forever. One-shot parody Fic. Surprise Crossover. Jerk! Harry.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to J.K. Rowling and is licensed to Warner Bros. See below for more details (Spoilers included).

The time: May 1998.

The place: Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, Scotland, United Kingdom.

Harry Potter was rallying the students at Hogwarts for the final battle. One student however was giving him trouble. An American transfer from a year ago about the same age as Harry named William Conrad.

"Conrad," Harry said angrily. "You-know-who is right at our doorstep and you want to do nothing. I am saying that we need to prepare for the attack."

"And I'm saying that we should hunker down and wait it out." Conrad said.

"Hunker Down!" Harry declared. "Vol… He is out there. How can you be so calm about this."

"I read the paper." Conrad said lifting up an issue of the prophet. "Four weeks ago a bunch death eaters attempted to steal a powerful talisman from the Japanese magical government. A bunch of Japanese wizards pursued them into northern Japanese waters where the two groups got in a fight. A stray curse hit the talisman and blew up killing everyone. It seems that the this incident disturbed something. Then there were reports of a large unidentified creature off the coast of Russia. The creature was seen again off of Norway. Then most recently strange blue lights have been spotted in the waters right off the coast of Scotland for the past week. Something is out there and it is clearly bidding its time."

"You are going to trust some mysterious nonsense over me," Harry said. "Give me one good reason why I should take anything you say seriously."

Conrad shifted a crafty look at him. "Does that incident at the Department of Mysteries count."

"Fine, die then you bastard." Harry said as he stormed off.

Meanwhile, a few miles away the Knight bus was parked, lying in disuse since the rise of Voldemort. Abruptly, two giant hands lifted it from its place and tossed it to the ground where it crumbled and caught fire. The vandal quietly carried on his way.

A few hours later Harry Potter and his makeshift army stood at the ramparts awaiting the attack. Harry could see the death eaters and their host of dementors, giants, werewolves, and other such creatures moving in towards the castle.

They were still some distance but Voldemort could still hit them from where he was.

Harry sensed him out there and knew instantaneously that the first strike would be his.

Voldemort raised his wand and began his vile incarnation "Avada…"

'Eay-eoar!'

The resounding roar was heard throughout the area. Everyone looked around and saw that a new hill had appeared on the skyline. It stood at least two hundred and fifty feet tall, black in color with massive fins running down its back. A large tail swung behind it held high in the air like a great scaly cat.

"Godzilla!" Harry heard Luna say.

The king of the monsters had indeed arrived once again to show humanity's hubris. Voldemort was as surprised as everyone else. A green burst flew from his wand and hit the new arrival and brought forth absolutely nothing. It is common knowledge in the wizarding world that dragons are resistant to magic and this creature was enough to make even the feared Hungarian horntail look like as tame as a pug dog.

In response to Voldemort's aggression a blue light started at the end the creature's tail and ran up the spine. Godzilla grimaced before letting out his opinion on the evil wizard. The blue stream of atomic breath hit the hillside and obliterated the death eaters and their allies.

Harry keeled over in intense pain running through him from his forehead. Ravenclaw's diadem in its hiding place shattered. The snake Nagini being with her master shared his fate.

Where there had been evil wizards, lay a crater. Godzilla left, his job finished.

Harry quickly recovered from his Horcrux induced seizure and promptly went about checking up on everyone. He found that no one in the castle had been hurt during the attack and all the aggressors had died in the atomic blast.

Elated Harry went out to find the one he loved the most.

"Hermione," Harry said.

"Harry," Hermione said wrapping him in her arms.

"It's all over, Hermione."

"Yes it is," Hermione said.

"Hermione," harry said. "We've been through so much together. I discovered something while we've together recently. I love you, Hermione."

Hermione stumbled back in shock. "Harry. I… value you as a friend and we've worked together for so long but I never saw you that way."

"Give me a chance Hermione,"

"No, Harry!" Hermione said and promptly stomped off.

Harry unhappy at this rejection stormed into the great hall. He sat down at the Gryffindor table with a huff.

"Can I Have everyone's attention?" Harry heard someone say. He turned around to see that it was Conrad standing at the front of the hall.

"I'd like to propose a toast. First to those who died in the defense of the innocent. Secondly to the savior of the wizarding world and of Hogwarts. To the one who ended the vile threat of Tom Marvolo Riddle. To the one and only…"

Harry grinned expecting to hear high praise towards himself.

Conrad raising his goblet as he proclaimed "Godzilla."

"To Godzilla," the entire hall repeated.

Harry was taken aback, the lizard arrives at the last minute to defeat Voldemort, taking all the credit. All the hard work Harry did, forgotten.

"Excuse me," Harry piped up.

"Yes, Potter." Conrad said.

"Has it occurred to anyone that if it wasn't for me things would be a whole lot worse."

"Would they?" Conrad retorted. "Why doesn't everyone who has been touched by Harry Potter come up and speak about it."

Ginny stood up from the Gryffindor table and walked to the dais.

"In my first year at Hogwarts I was possessed by the soul of Voldemort. I was dying in the chamber of secrets and harry came to rescue me. I was so in love with him then, but by the time I had reached my fifth year I had outgrown those feelings and moved on to other people."

"After Gryffindor won that quidditch game I was so happy and when I saw Harry come in I thought he'd be happy for us so I went up to him. When I went up to him he kissed me. He caught me by surprise. I didn't want to make a fuss and I always liked him as a sort of surrogate brother, so I dated him. When he broke up with me to protect me I didn't argue. The truth is I felt very uncomfortable when he kissed me that first time. He crossed a line and I regret not speaking up earlier."

Ginny then stepped down walked back to her seat.

"Anyone else." Conrad said.

Cho Chang stood up and walked to the dais.

"After Cedric died I was heart broken. I was confused and lonely. I saw that Harry was going through a hard time in his fifth year and because he was the last person who saw Cedric alive I joined Dumbledore's army. I knew he had liked me from the year before and we started going out. I was still mourning Cedric's death and I admit that I probably wasn't ready for a relationship."

"I got emotional okay it happens, especially in tense situations. Thing is most people would understand. Harry did not. When I couldn't cope with Cedric's death he split. Then my friend betrayed the D.A. I felt so bad about what happened and I wanted to make it up to him but he wouldn't listen."

Cho Chang stepped down from the dais and returned to her seat. Next up was Luna Lovegood.

"I First met Harry in my fourth year. We connected when he found he could see the thestrals. I was seen as a weirdo before I met him. Then I joined Dumbledore's army and connected with the people there, it changed my whole school experience. I went from having a few friends to be being part of a tight knit group of friends and fighters."

"The year after that Harry needed a date for Slughorn's party. Harry asked me to come with him as a friend and I accepted. We went to the party and mingled for a bit. Then he saw Draco Malfoy and followed him out to who knows where and left me behind. While I didn't admit it at the time I actually kind of liked him, but after he treated me like that I was angry and he avoided me. We never got to talk it through."

Luna stepped down. Then another girl stepped up to the dais, who Conrad gave a slight nod and smile to.

"Hello, everyone. You might not know me so I'll introduce myself. I am Romilda Vane. I had feelings for Harry last year. One day I gave him a package of chocolate cauldrons that I wasn't going to eat because I don't have a preference towards them. That's it. It was an innocuous gesture of friendliness towards someone I had an honest admiration for. Time passes and everyone starts talking about a package of chocolate cauldrons that Harry's friend Ron ate. Laced with love potions geared to me."

"I would swear in a court of law that I had nothing to do with this love potion. I don't believe in love potions. I believe that people should fall in love of their own free will so that the love is honest. I suspect that somebody rigged those cauldrons to frame me as some vapid groupie-stalker. I also suspect that the someone in question is Harry Potter himself."

"Lies," Harry shouted. Jumping up from seat finally speaking up in this public roasting of him.

"Are you calling my girlfriend a liar." Conrad said in anger.

"I'd pick better girlfriends if I were you Conrad," Harry said. "How do you know she isn't dousing you with love potions."

"I had myself publicly tested to prove to everyone she was truthful," Conrad said. "I had to stick up for her after you spread that nasty rumor about her."

"If she did not lace the cauldrons then how was the potions keyed to her?" Harry asked

"Simple You had friends among the Gryffindor girls," Conrad said. "You paid one of them to get some hair or skin from her bedsheets and you put it in the potion."

"It was me," Ginny stood up from her seat. "Harry said she was stalking him and he wanted it for a restraining spell."

"So that does it," Conrad declared. "My Girlfriend is innocent of the crime and you Potter are a liar. Not that we should have expected anything else from someone who rode the fame derived from an act that his mother committed. Heroism by nepotism. And let's not forget that it was you who lead the charge into the Department of Mysteries based on insubstantial evidence. An act that resulted in Sirius Black, the godfather that you claimed to love dearly, dying a needless death."

Harry drew his wand and trained it at Conrad's head. "Sectum…"

Harry flew back twenty feet before he could finish the spell. Harry raised his head from the ground and saw that it was Romilda Vane who had sent the spell and disarmed him.

"Thank's my love," Conrad said.

"I love it when you call me that." Romilda said. "And if I'm not mistaken… Accio wand."

Harry's wand flew towards Romilda and she grabbed it mid air.

"Having disarmed the great fake hero." Romilda said. "I now posses Draco's old wand. I would have the elder wand too but seeing as it was destroyed along with Voldemort by our reptilian friend I do not. Just as well that thing was a death sentence."

Romilda then pointed both wands at Harry.

"Harry James Potter." She said. "You are no longer of use here. I suggest you leave here and never come back. And if you come near me or my precious love again I will make sure you regret it."

Harry stubbornly picked himself up and left the castle. He left the United Kingdom shortly afterward and became a drifter.

* * *

The Time: May 1999.

The place: A rundown bowling alley in Los Angeles, California, United States of America.

'seven pins.' Harry thought as walked back from the bowling lane and back to his team.

A large man in shorts and a vest was stooping over the scorecard. "Seven pins, harry. Very good." The man said.

"Thanks, Walter." Harry said. He did not get a response.

"You're roll, dude." A thinner man with shoulder length hair got up from his seat to bowl his ball. Harry had been told when he first joined the bowling team that he was called The Dude.

In the lane next to them was a team made up of an ex-biker gang. The player at bowl was a husky long bearded man called "Big Joe". "Joe" rolled the ball. As the ball approached the pins it veered to the left which such speed that it went into the gutter, bounced out again, and knocked down two pins.

"Foul," shouted Walter. "That's a foul, Joe."

"Big Joe" stomped towards Walter. "You want to take that back, big boy." The ex-biker said, the confederate flag tattoo on his forearm visible to all.

"Walter, cut it out," The Dude stepped in. "It's just a foul. He only knocked down two pins."

"Rules, Dude." Walter said.

Harry stepped behind Walter trying to restrain him, but Walter was much bigger than Harry. "Big Joe" threw his punch, Harry tripped, the clenched fist rapidly approached Walter's face. Harry's head fell between the two men and experienced intimacy with Joe's great fist.

Later Harry Potter was lying in a hospital bed unconscious. Nearby the rest of his bowling team was waiting.

"Well these things happen," said Walter.

"Walter," said The Dude. "You provoked those guys, man. You were the one who got at them over two pins."

"No biggie dude," Walter said.

"'No biggie,' man," The Dude said. "This has been a travesty."

A nurse came up to them. "Sirs, your friend is waking up," He said.

"We'll be right in there. Come on, Dude," Walter said as he went into the hospital room.

"Travesty, man," The Dude said. "Travesty."

The End

Diclaimer (cont.): I do not own Godzilla or The Big Lebowski. They belong to Toho, Universal Studios, and the Coen Brothers respectively. Partially inspired by "Godzilla" which belongs to the Blue Oyster Cult and Columbia Records.


End file.
